My favorite dream

My brother flew out of town this afternoon.  He’s off to start a new life on the other side of the country.  When I’m feeling selfish, as I’m wont to do, I feel sad about it.  He’s one of my best friends; he’s my rock.  Our family is severely dysfunctional–I know, I know.  Whose family isn’t?  But we tend towards the extreme side of the spectrum.  He was really all I had when we were growing up, and although he’s my younger brother, I also feel rather maternal towards him.  So this lump in my throat, it’s a result of empty nest syndrome plus losing close proximity to my best friend.

However, there is so much to be excited for, when I think about this opportunity life has handed him, that is.  It’s truly amazing.  It’s a testament to how talented he is, and how much he has to offer.  He will grow so much from this experience, and that’s never a bad thing.  He will also offer me amazing discounts and other benefits and the Disney freak in me loves that.  So while I’m sad, I’m also happy and excited.

With everything that has been going on lately, I feel like it’s knocked down several walls with which I’ve surrounded myself, both throughout my life and in the past few months.  Something I’ve really wanted was also something I denied that I wanted.  No more.  I don’t know if I can have it, but I’m through pretending I don’t have that desire.  I want to live honestly.  And it feels pretty good.  I feel free, I feel light, I feel more at ease and more myself than I have in some time.

Last weekend I asked the Universe for something, and it’s manifested several times this week.  This asking, believing, and receiving thing blows my mind.  Has it really been this easy?  I suppose it has.  So we’ll see if I get that thing that I want.  I still need to become clear on it, and I’m still working on doing that.  But it’s exciting as hell.

Looks like we made it to the end

There’s been this thing going on lately, stuff I’ve already talked about in detail in real life, making me reluctant to do so here, or anything on the Internet.  In a nutshell, someone I know lost the love of her life, and her brother was also injured in that same accident.  He will live, although it might be without a leg.

It’s pretty damn sad, and I can’t imagine how it must be, to wake up one morning and have your life completely change before the day is over.  It’s hardly the first time I’ve grappled with death, but I always seem to forget this lesson–that in a week, or in a day, or what have you, I could be gone, or my brother could be gone, and existence as I know it will be completely over.

I can’t imagine what’s it’s like to make plans, to make a life, only to lose it without dying yourself, and I can’t help but think that this will completely redefine who she is from hereon out.

I look at my life and see so much extraneous bullshit.  I did some serious downsizing and remodeling, you could say, after the fiasco in March.  A lot of thinking and rethinking and considering and reconsidering.  And now here I am again.   I didn’t think I was done, I just didn’t know it would take something of this magnitude to start it up again, and I wish it hadn’t taken this to make that happen.  But what can you do?  I’m only human, and we’re bred for forgetting and repeating patterns.

Back in black, or, Days 13 and 14

We have a threepeat, kids.

That’s from last night; I was simply too lazy to log in and post. One of the ratlets went to the vet last week and came away with two rather large vials of medicine. I’ve discovered that vanilla yogurt is the key to making sure she ingests the meds. They are all simply mad for it, to the point where two of them literally follow me everywhere I go. The patient stands on her hind legs, waves her front paws at me and then leans forward and clings to my shin. Too cute.

And now, where I work:

Behold, my mess of a desk! Complete with this morning’s breakfast. Mmmm. Oh, and bubbles, for when I need to lighten the atmosphere a bit. Here’s another take.

The valentine things on top of the monitor are from these Valentine-grams my work sold. Every holiday is some kind of candygram and/or raffle. In fact, there’s a Father’s Day Raffle soon. Reminder to self: enter that. I’m the only one who managed to figure out how to sit them on top of my monitor, so my friend/neighbor/semi-boss-person gave me hers. The newspaper on the wall is an article my brother wrote; my main-boss-person left it for me on my chair, complete with a Post-It that says, “Awwww :).” Semi-boss-person gave me a rat calendar for Christmas, and behind the monitor, to the left, is a sign Main-boss-person printed out for my birthday.

There’s a video, too, but that’s a bit much, I feel.

And also write in the margins, maybe

I promise I’ll get back to Project 365 in a bit.  Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe sometime this weekend.  Been a weird week, full of long drives to the country and epiphanies and all that.

Right now, all I want to do is reread Microserfs and highlight it, the way I do with a textbook.  Highlighting is my method of learning, it’s how I cram so much knowledge into my mind.

His words are that important to me.  I need to learn them, I need to do more than remember them, I need to memorize them, I need to be them.

Pinky and the brain, or, Day 12

Today I walked to my university, to return various books to the library. I figured that the drop box would be out, even if it’s a holiday. Wrong! So this is me, at the library entrance, turning to leave and walk back home.

It wasn’t a waste of a trip, though. I love walking, although it was a bit eerie being on campus. Completely empty. I actually didn’t take the path in the picture, but one to the left (to the left, to the left). I found myself reflecting on this past semester–all the stress, the bullshit, the insanity of it all. It was a difficult semester, mostly because I had to juggle all that personal drama with both a job and my academic workload.

But I never doubted I’d get through it, I never stopped believing that I would endure it and emerge stronger than ever. I never lost faith that I would get through it with anything less than class and grace. And my friends played a really large part in that.

The year is nearly half over, and what do I have to show for it? Another successful semester under my belt. Another successful Coachella, complete with another round of musical soulmates to treasure. Further bonding with my friends, who continue to show me how beautiful the world can be, if you have such friends by your side. March was a really bad month for me, at least until that last week. But I got through it, and I don’t think I would change anything that happened, because it has led me here, to this place.

Day 11

Missed a day, so today it’s a twofer. Yesterday I didn’t do very much. I’m still recovering from the blitz known as finals. Last week was difficult–I honestly don’t remember much of it. I didn’t sleep that much, and my dreams were mere regurgitations of my day, so everything began to blend together and I started to feel really disoriented all the time. Did that conversation really take place, or did I just dream it? Stuff like that.

So this is one of my rats. She was resting inside the Guinness box (yes, I have a Guinness box in my room). As soon as I got out the camera she perked up and I was afraid she’d run away, but she stayed put. Good little rat.

When I let the rats out I have to sort of put my room together, because they like to chew on everything. I put my laundry basket on my bed, because they’ll jump in there and chew holes in my clothes (seriously). I also put various books that reside on my floor. Those are mostly library books, about the Suez Crisis. A vestige from my European government and politics course.

Day 10

This is a tree on my way home from school (last day of school, hurrah!).  As I’ve said before, I love trees.  Last semester, I looked at this tree for the very first time, or so it seemed.  I had never noticed that heart before.  It’s clearly been there for awhile–the initials are no longer intelligible.  But it never fails to make me feel all romantic and squishy and warm inside.  My heart grows three sizes… and then promptly shrinks back to it’s withered, desolate state when I’m forced to confront that atrocity known as California traffic.

Day 9

Which is a day late (yay for backdating, though!) because I was tired, frazzled and completely conflusterated from studying for finals. These are two of my rats. Lila is the one standing up, and at the moment I brought out my camera, Bel decided to hide her head in the towels. She’s funny like that, but at least she didn’t run away, as she’s wont to do when there’s a camera in the house.

That box holds like 20 pairs of flip flops, so I put stuff on top of said 20 pairs of flip flops so the rats won’t chew them to hell and back. The thing Lila is leaning against is an extra litter box, which Andromeda used after she lived in a separate cage whilst recuperating from surgery.

No one I think is in my tree (Day 8)

There’s this tree outside one of the halls at school under which I love to sit.  It’s a great tree–the branches form a perfectly verdant canopy that never fails to bring me peace.  I’ve realized this semester that I absolutely love trees.  I love looking at them, sitting under them, feeling them.  Which sounds kind of dirty.  Anyway, there are two benches under this particular tree, and my friends always know to find me there.  I’ve mentally raved out under this tree, I’ve read several books, had many meandering conversations about everything and nothing all at once, I’ve shared apples with a squirrel that lives on campus.  It’s a good tree.

The building in this picture is Amador, a place I more or less lived in last semester, given that all of my classes were there.  The classrooms are extremely small.  I don’t miss it and hopefully my one government class next semester will be located elsewhere.

Day 7

My brother!  Or rather, the back of his head as he checks his Gmail.  Notice the empty bottle of rum to his right?

He cuts his own hair and usually it looks good, but it’s becoming an annual spring/summer tradition for him to fuck it up at least once, which then requires professional help.  And it always ends up as a buzz cut, which then leads to the whole “OMG he’s enlisted in the military!” thing.

For those who don’t know, my bro is one of my BFFs.  When you have a screwed up family you tend to gravitate to the relatives that don’t skeeve you out, but I got lucky having an awesome kid end up being my younger brother.  Even though I initially asked if we could take him back when he was born, and even though I used to tell him he was a foster kid.  Ahhh, childhood!

Three cheers for him being a good sport.  Thanks!